24 November, 2011

自私 · Selfish

向公司请了六天假,在家里大翻新、大反省了一番。
I applied for six days of leave from work since last Friday, and have been spending time at home renovating and redecorating the room. The process also included a whole lot of reflection on things that happened.

一切从慵懒调开始,母亲周一到缅甸旅游后,所剩的三天就是努力地粉刷、整理、安排以及改进房间的一切。就如有的歌词所写,“扫地扫地扫心地,心地不扫,空扫地”,所以在努力中,我的精神也经历着对人生的反省。
The break from work started with letting myself relax untilk my mum left for Myanmar on Monday morning. Smoothening the wall and painting followed thereafter, and I took the time to change things both in my physical room and in my psychological state.

赫然发现,自己是多么的自私,多么的孩子气。
I realised how selfish and immature I had been.


往事多提了,小六在会考前闹失踪,跑去校外篮球场与陌生人切磋球技,害父母着急得找校长求助。
Let's talk about the past- I went missing just before PSLE examination started, and went to a neighbourhood basketball court to play with strangers. It made my parents so worried that they sought help from my principal.

在玩耍的面前,我变成自私而不负责任的小孩。
In face of fun, I had been a selfish and irresponsible kid.

中二分流年,年中考试因为英文不及格而拿了个“Overall FAIL”,老师要求见母亲也就算了,我还在教务室师长面前拿Reader's Digest丢老师,理直气壮回到课室。
During the year of streaming in Sec 2, I failed my overall results because I failed English as a subject. My teacher called my mum in, and I threw a Reader's Digest at my teacher outside the staffroom, before walking back to my classroom like I didn't do anything wrong.

在失败的面前,我变成无理、激动且失去理智的神经质。
In face of failure, I could become such an unreasonable and worked up fellow.

最近一次,就是离开家里127天到武汉浸濡留学,回到家后仍然叨叨着武汉的好。似乎没什么,但这两天才觉悟——那是对迫切期盼我回国的母亲多么大的伤害。
As of most recently, I returned home from 127 days of cultural immersion in China, and couldn't stop thinking about all the goodness of hostel life. It may seem like nothing, but it only just occurred to me how much I've hurt my mother- she had looked forward to my return and all I fed her with was my thoughts longing to return to China.

在自由的面前,我因为新鲜的体验而失去对其他人感受的敏锐度。
In face of freedom, I lost sight of sensitivity towards others' feelings for fresh experiences.

回首过去,难免有太多的后悔、遗憾与不足。但这就是人生、就是成长,这我都接受了。不过我没有办法完全地弥补周围的人因为我所受的伤害,这才是让我心痛的。
Looking back, there have been too many regrets and imperfections. But this is life, and this is growth- I get it. But I can never make up for all the hurt I've caused to those I've hurt- the pain that comes with such a thought kills me.

情绪只是人类的导火线,而不包括付诸于行动的真正“改变”。弥补是很可怕的包袱,却也是自私的自我安慰。
Emotions are merely triggers, and they don't guarantee actions to make real changes. Making up for mistakes can seem like a really heavy burden, but it may also just be a form of selfishness to make ourselves feel better.