24 November, 2011

自私 · Selfish

I applied for six days of leave from work since last Friday, and have been spending time at home renovating and redecorating the room. The process also included a whole lot of reflection on things that happened.

The break from work started with letting myself relax untilk my mum left for Myanmar on Monday morning. Smoothening the wall and painting followed thereafter, and I took the time to change things both in my physical room and in my psychological state.

I realised how selfish and immature I had been.

Let's talk about the past- I went missing just before PSLE examination started, and went to a neighbourhood basketball court to play with strangers. It made my parents so worried that they sought help from my principal.

In face of fun, I had been a selfish and irresponsible kid.

中二分流年,年中考试因为英文不及格而拿了个“Overall FAIL”,老师要求见母亲也就算了,我还在教务室师长面前拿Reader's Digest丢老师,理直气壮回到课室。
During the year of streaming in Sec 2, I failed my overall results because I failed English as a subject. My teacher called my mum in, and I threw a Reader's Digest at my teacher outside the staffroom, before walking back to my classroom like I didn't do anything wrong.

In face of failure, I could become such an unreasonable and worked up fellow.

As of most recently, I returned home from 127 days of cultural immersion in China, and couldn't stop thinking about all the goodness of hostel life. It may seem like nothing, but it only just occurred to me how much I've hurt my mother- she had looked forward to my return and all I fed her with was my thoughts longing to return to China.

In face of freedom, I lost sight of sensitivity towards others' feelings for fresh experiences.

Looking back, there have been too many regrets and imperfections. But this is life, and this is growth- I get it. But I can never make up for all the hurt I've caused to those I've hurt- the pain that comes with such a thought kills me.

Emotions are merely triggers, and they don't guarantee actions to make real changes. Making up for mistakes can seem like a really heavy burden, but it may also just be a form of selfishness to make ourselves feel better.