02 October, 2012

坦白 · Coming Clean

每次到了需要剪指甲的时候,心里感触良深。
I often feel emotional when the time comes and I have to trim my fingernails.


对于普通的你而言,那可能是最普通不过的事了。但对于我而言,每次意识到指甲,都有一份心酸。
To you, it may be an uneventful process. But it always remind me of the times I've felt really depressed about who I am and something I do.

其实,在上理工学院前,我是一个有咬指甲习惯的女孩。不是因为心理病,不是因为模仿电视角色,纯粹因为,基因给我的,就是咬指甲的习惯。
Before my Polytechnic days, I had the habit of biting my nails. It wasn't developed when I was a child nor an act of imitating actors, but simply because it is a habit passed down in my genes.

那是一段很痛苦、很纠结、很无助的时候。因为那些不明白的人会说“很恶心耶”、“不要咬了啦”、“你看你的手指都快畸形了”。
I felt really depressed and helpless whenever people who don't understand this, say mean things to me like "eww Hui Ying is so gross", "stop biting your nails lah" or even "see,  you bite until your fingers are deformed already".

当然,你说的容易。因为你不是我。
Of course it's easy for you to say, because you're not me.

今天终于鼓起勇气写这篇博文,是有原因的。
I finallly mustered the courage to write this blog entry for a reason.
 
我想要告诉咬指甲的所有年轻人,尤其是小孩,
If you have the habit of biting your nails, especially if you are a kid, just know that
 
你没有错。
you haven't done anything wrong.

你不应该因为自己的习惯而哭泣;没有美美的指甲不是你的错。
You shouldn't cry because of this habit, because it's not your fault.
也许你觉得可笑,但我的挣扎,还有这一路走来的痛,却是真实的。
You may think this is funny, but this was my struggle, it was my pain of childhood.
 
还记得小时候,妈妈有个哑巴的朋友,每次看到我都会打我的手,一直比手划脚说,别咬了。
When I was very young, my mom had a friend who couldn't speak. But she would hit my hands whenever she sees me, and sign to me not to bite my nails.

到了小学学写字的时候,我宁愿被老师笑说我握笔的方式不对,只为了不让她看到我的指甲。我怕老师因此不喜欢我,我怕因此没有朋友。你自己去试试看,把手指都缩起来写字,是多么辛苦的一件事,年纪小所以很难过、很委屈却不懂怎么表达。
In primary school, I would rather my teacher comment that I am holding the pen the wrong way, than to let her see my fingernails. I was afraid my teacher would not like me anymore if she found out, or worse, if I lose my friends. How about YOU try and write the way I did, and try to understand how painful such habits can be to kids, emotionally and physically, before you blame them again.


到了中学,我费了很大的劲,努力不让朋友注意到我的指甲,连拍照,都会记得把手藏起来。
Then came secondary school life where I tried really hard not to let my classmates see my fingernails. I would even make sure that they don't show in photos.

 
以上是一次为了欢迎学长回国所拍的照片,也是为了隐瞒自己的秘密,记忆最深刻的一次。
The picture above was taken back then to welcome a senior back to Singapore. It's the one time I really remembered how hard I tried to keep my secret.

唯一找得到拍到手指甲的,只有一次的疏漏。
The only picture I know of where my nails showed, was this-


还记得中学一次在班上,我身旁的同学忽然说:“给我看你的拇指!”
Once in class when I was sec 4, the classmate next to me suddenly exclaimed, "let me see your thumb!"

被发现了。
She saw.

后来努力装傻,更加努力把自己的手藏起来。所以看到很美的手、很美的指甲,总有一种羡慕。没有勇气逛看指甲油,害怕被人耻笑“你没有指甲,画什么画?”,所以自己有一次买了白色的原子笔,在所剩的指甲上画上小花朵,自我安慰。只希望,自己也能像他人一样。
I tried really hard to pretend that I didn't hear her question. I developed envy whenever I see people with pretty hands and/or fingernails. I never had the courage to look at nail polishes, because I didn't want to be ridiculed. ("you don't have fingernails, see nail polishes for what?!") There was once I tried to make myself feel better, and bought a white ink pen to draw little flowers on what's left of my nails. I just wish, I was just like everyone else.
 
多么遥不可及的一个梦想啊。
That dream seemed so far and impossible.

到了中学,由于课外活动是图书馆,曾经鼓起勇气戒掉这个坏习惯。找到一本书说“我在结婚前,一直都咬指甲。后来想到希望自己能够给他人看到自己戴戒指的模样,所以终于有戒掉的决心。”
Also in secondary school, I finally mustered the courage to look for a solution, especially because my CCA was library and I spend a lot of time arranging the books. An author wrote that she quit biting fingernails not long before her wedding, because she wanted to be able to show others her ring. That gave her the strength and courage to quit the habit.

当时有两个想法——
I had two thoughts then-

(1)鼓起这样的勇气,我还需要等多久?
(1) How long would it take before I can find such courage?
 
(2)似乎,我这辈子都会是个罪人。
(2) I feel like, I'm born cursed for that matter.
 
health.kerals.com
 
记得Punggol Plaza开幕不久,我第一次在Ta Zhiang看到假指甲的美容包。当时很兴奋也胆怯,似乎是看到了希望,却也无法鼓起勇气,走进店里买下一包。后来惦记那包的希望,整整挣扎了2个星期才回去买下。
Years back when Punggol Plaza first opened, I saw fake nails sold in Ta Zhiang for the first time. I was really excited like I saw the light at the end of the tunnnel, but so scared at the same time too. I thought of it for weeks before I finally went back one day, and had the courage to buy a pack.
 
punggolplus.com
 
在理工学院上杨君伟老师的其中一次测验,要求同学一教一学,学的人由老师随机点名。
Once in Poly not long after I've kicked the habit, our lecturer set a test where we each have to teach something to someone else in front of the whole class. It was up to the lecturer to choose a random classmate to learn.

当时,是我走出咬指甲的习惯不久后。
That wasn't very long after I've kicked the habit, and my nails were still quite short.
 
有位同学说要教美甲,接着听到老师点到我的名。也因为指甲是很小的东西,当时全班的同学都凑上来看个仔细,只能说,很庆幸当时已经慢慢脱离了没有指甲的情况,不过当天的课,给我心里加了很大很大的压力,差点窒息。
A classmate of ours said that she was going to teach manicure techniques, and then, my lecturer called out my name to be the person learning from her. As nails are really too small for the class to see, everyone came forward. I have to say, I was really really glad I had grown out my nails by that time. But I would never forget the pressure I felt when everyone was focused on my fingernail.
 
 
 
至于怎么戒掉的呢?
How did I quit?

在考完O水准后的一个下午,我在厕所担心理工学院会是怎么样的生活。想着想着,觉得到时候很可能被欺负,所以能够去掉的弱点就尽量去掉。
One day after O Levels examination, I was worrying about the imminent Poly life. I was determined to decrease my number of weaknesses, in order not to be bullied in a new school.
 
接下来的几个月,通过很艰难的自我要求,终于戒掉了。
The following months before school started were hell, but I finally manged it.

找到了一份自由。可以跟朋友玩chopsticks了!可以弹钢琴了!拍照不需要躲躲藏藏的了!
It felt as if I freed myself. I can now play chopsticks with my friends! I am worthy of touching the piano! I need not hide my hands in photos anymore!

除非你是过来人,否则你绝对无法体会那种感觉。
Unless you have a similar experience, you'd never understand how liberated I felt.
 
从这个分享,我也要告诉所有人一件事——如果你要说的话会让人很不开心也毫无建设性,请闭上你的嘴巴。
From this honest sharing, I wish to convey this message to everyone - If what you say would make people unhappy, and is not constructive at all, please shut up.
judysturman.typepad.com
 
尤其是华族成人,如果你整天只会说“哇,你怎么穿成那样?!”、“怎么还没有交男朋友?”、“你变胖了吼”、“你食量好大!”、这个不对那个不行,到时候没有人要来探望你,你就不要怪别人无情。
That applies to the Chinese people especially, because we tend to comment on things that upset people. If you keep talking crap like "wah, why you dress until like that?!", "How come you no boyfriend yet?", "you gain weight le leh!", "why you eat so much!", don't blame people when they start to avoid you.

你要记得,别人也正为你留三分颜面呢。
Always remember that others are giving you face, keeping comments to themselves too.

年轻人去你家拜年,也没有说什么“哇,你老得奄奄一息了”、“你头发怎么都白了,皮肤怎么都皱了、头发都快掉光了!”、“你的孩子为什么都不要回来看你了?”,所以请你也学会尊重并接受别人,大家才能没有压力,只有亲和力地沟通相处。
You don't see youths going to your house during Chinese New Year to say, "wow you look like you're dying soon", "how come all your hair turned white? Why you so wrinkled? OMG you are almost bald!" or even things like "why all your children don't want you anymore?". So please learn to respect us the way we are, so that we can get along without the pressure of being judged by you.
 
看到有人没有指甲,请你选择忽视,不要追问,不要盯着看,因为如果有得选择,我们都希望和你们一样,但基因不在我的管辖范围之内,请你敬而远之,给我留点尊严、留点余地。你可能觉得好玩,但那种逼迫对我们而言是一种伤害。
If you know someone who bites nails, please try to overlook it. Don't stare, don't ask, don't probe. Because if we have a choice, we want to be normal like you too. Just so happens that genes is not up to us to choose. So please give us some space, leave us some dignity. It may be your kind of fun to poke fun at us about it, but it hurts us, really.
 
bullyingproject.com
 
如果你是咬指甲的人,请你知道,改掉是可能的,不过就算你办不到,也不是你的错,绝对不要拿这个缺陷来折磨自己。我可以告诉你,即使现在我有了指甲,生活的问题还是没有解决,所以这个缺陷不是你所有问题的障碍,绝对不要那么封闭自己。
If you're one of those nail-biters just like me, please know that it is possible to change. Even if it seems impossible to you, that's okay! Please don't ever EVER torture yourself with this small piece of imperfection. I can tell you that even now when I have nice fingernails, it doesn't solve any problem in life actually. It shouldn't create a barrier around you from the world, so please accept yourself.
 
如果你愿意,我想跟你交个朋友,因为我很愿意接受你是你,我不会取笑或想要改变你,因为你是你,是值得被疼爱的你,一点也不恶心可怕。
If you want, I'd like to be your friend, because I'm more than happy to accept who you are. I won't laugh at your nails, or try to change you. Because you are who you are, you deserve to be loved and cherished, and those nails? They don't mean no shit about you at all.
 
有些事情,是没有指甲的人才能做到或想到的,请你以此为骄“傲”,别为“懊”恼。
Look on the bright side, there are things we are capable of doing that people with nice fingernails can't do. Take that as a reason to be proud of who you are.
 
jiheeley.wordpress.com
 
对于那些在我的面前和背后取笑过我的缺陷,给我带来那么多痛苦的你,我想说的是——
For those who laughed at me in my face, and behind my back, bringing me so much pain, I wanna say...

如果你不是故意的,请你从今以后更细心地在乎别人的感受。
if you didn't mean to, please learn to be more sensitive towards others from now on.
 
如果你是故意的,就因为你自己的人生失败,自己的生活不尽你意,诋毁他人并不代表你在他人之上,只显示了你的悲哀。其次,如果你的人生是成功的,你的指甲是完美的,那也是你妈的爸的祖宗的恩德,没什么好比较、好骄傲的。凡事有因果报应的,你就慢慢等吧。
And if you still think it's funny to make fun of people who are different, that just goes to show how pathetic you are, and that you have failed in life, but bullying others does not change anything about your failure. If you have perfect nails, that's the great work of your genes, not you. There's nothing worth comparing, nothing worth being proud of for being this normal. And, wait for your karma.
 
 
 
*******
 
 
关于指甲这件事,一直很想写这篇,为同类打气。不过,写完后,却迟迟没有刊登的勇气。
I've been wanting to write an entry about broken fingernails for a while now. Despite finishing it in a day, I had been really hesitant about publishing it.
 
终于要上载了。希望更多人,能够从这篇得到改变或接受的勇气。
Now that I've found the courage to do so, I hope more people would get this message, and find the courage from deep within to make a change, or accept others/yourself.